Bad Times, Good Friends

I had a bad day earlier this week. My mind spiraled down pretty hard and for a while I was lost in awful dark thoughts. In the end I realized that I needed help and have since begun looking into therapy once again. Except I knew that would take time and I needed help now. Inspired by a friend of mine, I took to social media and asked for support.  Here’s what happened.

To start I said:

I’m having a rough night. I’m filled with self-loathing, doubt, and depression. Its hard to see outside of it right now and if it wasn’t for my wife I’m not sure if I would have pulled up this far. I can still feel the negativity in me and I need ammunition to fight it off. I know this is incredibly selfish but right now I could really use some motivation. Tell me why you value me.

As of now I’ve had just shy of fifty people telling me why I’m valuable to them and how I’ve affected their lives. A few of them ever reached out to me privately to make sure I was doing ok. While I’m humbled my the outpouring of support it’s hard to appreciate the comments through the lens of depression. Dark thoughts plague my mind as I read through heartfelt and extremely kind messages.

This is the power of depression. No matter what anyone said my mind kept insisting that it was all patronizing. After all, I asked people to say nice things to me. How many of them really mean it? No one is sincere and, obviously, I’m still a worthless piece of shit. It’s so hard to silence that voice. To not let if have power over me.

With time, I felt a little better. Today, I feel better still. There is still a nagging doubt in my mind that no matter of rational thought can completely silence. But I’m ignoring that negativity as best I can for now. Hopefully I can find a professional and get whatever I need to feel a little less awful.

To everyone who took a few minutes to share their thoughts with me, thank you. It all did help, even if it’s hard to see it from my current point. To everyone who contacted me personally, I made a decision shortly after posting that I wasn’t going to talk privately about what happened. I appreciate your concern but I really couldn’t (and possibly still can’t) rehashing my troubles over and over. I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just ignoring the topic.

Let me assure everyone. No matter what self-destructive thoughts I might have had, I have not an acted on any of them and do not feel any nearer to doing so. My mind is returning, slowly but steadily, to a more normal position and I’m doing fine. Things are getting a little brighter and my minds is less troubled. Again, thank you.

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